1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
