I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
