i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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