Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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