i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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