my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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