I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize