Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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