I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you had me at cake vodka
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You can't just leave with hair like that
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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