Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
