I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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