I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
