You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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