You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
