bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Its about making memories worth repressing
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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