Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
