someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
