Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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