I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
