I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
