your parents love me but you hate me
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
