Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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