Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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