Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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