I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
