i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
