She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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