And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
