I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
