apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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