listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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