I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
