bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize