I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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