based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
