Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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