she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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