Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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