I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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