Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
