Don't EVER smell your tampon
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize