You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
