its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
