I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
