fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
