Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my shit smells like andre
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize