so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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