Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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