the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
