I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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