I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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