im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
