woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize