I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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