Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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