I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Did I show you my penis last night?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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