i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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