My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
