pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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