A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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