I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Your mouth is God's brothel.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
