To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
