someone threw a dead crab at me
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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