I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize