This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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