we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
