You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize