he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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